I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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