It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
