I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
