i just google imaged poop.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
