someone threw a dead crab at me
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
