Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
