i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?