Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
