Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
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Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
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Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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