I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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