just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
