You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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