4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize
