dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
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I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
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Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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