and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He passed out mid-signature
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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