are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
