I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
