...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
