new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
