Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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