In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
