So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
