Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
