would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
this is an emotional support booty call
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
