he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
