Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
then he tried to convert me to islam
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
