Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
