its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.