I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up