I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
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He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
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His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.