Ambien. No doubt about it.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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