If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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