Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
