Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
did you just send me my own nude
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
