Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
