Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
