FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
