I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
