My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
