i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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