I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
