Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
