I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
