Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
