woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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