That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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