Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
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Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize