Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
