We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
