dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
