so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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