you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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