never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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