Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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