I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
