i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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